萬佛城金剛菩提海 Vajra Bodhi Sea

金剛菩提海:首頁主目錄本期目錄

Vajra Bodhi Sea: HomeMain IndexIssue Index

菩提田

 

BODHI FIELD

盡罷辛酸謝佛恩
THE BITTERNESS OF LIFE WAS GONE-
My GRATITUDE TO THE THUS COME ONES

白法行 BY SHELLEY WHITELAW
惜才中議 CHINESE TRANSLATION BY XI GAl

小時候,我曾親手捏塑了一尊佛像,在母親給我的釉料裡,我選用紅色釉來塗佛身,咖啡色則用以漆飾衣袍。對於這尊後來經由母親窯燒過的佛像 ,我一直妥善保存著。我認為自己今日會親近佛法 ,應該和這個兒時的經驗有著密不可分的關係。

記得十年前,有個在我瑜珈和太極班上課的女孩,來邀我聽法,我的學佛因緣於是就此展開。回頭說到當時的這場佛法講座,聽得我大受震撼,覺得自己何其有幸,竟在無意中挖到開啟智慧的寶藏 !從此便開始認真閱讀佛教書籍,希望能對佛法有 更深一層的了解。幾個月後,我報名參加了一位教靜坐的老師所舉辦的四天禪修班。過後一個月,又參加了一次為期十二天的靜坐。這以後,我開始體察到,原來自己一直處在無明當中,卻不自知;而且藉著靜坐,我也發覺自己在各方面的表現,不復從前的麻木和冷硬了。

接下來的幾年,我陸陸續續又參加過好幾次的禪七,靜坐已成為我每天必做的功課了。後來,我還把外在的一切(包括工作)都安排妥當了,以便舖排自己修行之路。

三年半前,因為往事的浮現,我的心緒不知怎地時時處在強烈波動的狀態下,使我飽受憤怒、傷痛、絕望,各種負面情緒的折磨。在那難熬的三年裏,籠罩在這情緒陰影下的我,覺得無助與絕望,動不動就哭,簡直可以說是天天過著以淚洗面的日子。

對我來說,要對付這份純粹從內裏產生的擾人情緒,實在不是一件容易的事。所幸,隨著時間的推移,這股情緒低潮也有漸趨緩和的傾向,不過依然會週期性的發作,反覆把我拋向痛苦的深淵。這段期間,我除了任由它出現而又消退,消退而又出 現,好像看著一部老電影,根本別無他法。去年在耶誕節前夕,我決定不要再過三年來那種痛苦的假期,也不要再有以前那些消極的思想。我忽然想通了,原來自己這三年來身心所感受的痛苦,全是一種向外馳求的自憐情緒在作祟,像是覺得自己孤單寂寞,渴望他人的救援或憐愛等等。當我明白關懷與寧誼的獲得,應該反求諸己時,我便決定要以修行靜坐的方式,來度過這個耶誕假期。  

於是,我四處打聽耶誕假期何處有開靜坐班,結果不是名額已滿,就是覺得不適合自己。後來想想,索性在家閉關打七算了。於是我興沖沖地為閉關進行種種的準備。我的觀音七是靜坐老師給我的建議,其內容包括:觀想菩薩、祈禱和誦念「唵嘛呢叭彌吽」六字真言。在這為期二十一天的關期中,我用一小時坐誦、一小時走誦的方式,早晚不停地持念這六字真言,計達十七萬九千七百五十遍之多。結果,關期裏經歷了許多不可思議境界的我,不僅擺脫了長久以來一直纏捆自己的惱人情緒,並重新得到更為清明、自在的力量。

不但如此,這段閉關期也是我生命的轉捩點,因為它使我的心境終能安住於安祥喜樂之中。  

如今,只要一回想起我那浸滿辛酸的來時路,已然罷盡,我就會告訴自己,唯有藉著本身慈悲心量的不斷擴充,和轉而對需要扶持的人伸出援手(如同我得到的幫助一樣),所有的顛躓困頓終會安然度過的。是以,我深知佛法確是妙不可言和真實不虛的。

 

 


When I was a young child I took some clay and with my hands I molded a Buddha statue. My mother got some glazes for me, which I applied- red to the Buddha's body and brown for his robe. My mother had it fired in a kiln for me and I still have it today. I say this because in the telling of my background in Buddhism, the younger part of me wants to be included.  

I had no real exposure to Buddhism until ten years ago when I attended a Dharma talk at the invitation of a friend who was in my yoga and Tai-chi class. This talk greatly impressed me. I felt I had come across a source of great wisdom, so I started to read books to find out more about it. A few months later I met a meditation teacher with whom I did a four-day retreat, then another twelve-day retreat a month after that.

After this meditation I began to unravel, so to speak. There was so much that I had previously been unconscious to. I had been in kind of a numb, frozen state, and the meditation seemed to be melting me into being.

I carried on with several weeklong retreats over the next few years, until eventually my circumstances were such that I could have a steady daily practice. It seemed that for me, working full time and functioning well enough on the outside created a container for me to go more deeply inside.

So it was three and a half years ago that the emotions and memories really began to come through. It was a very intense period- I think I cried almost everyday for 3 years. I had so much anger, grief, and despair. I would feel hopeless and at times desperate.

This outpouring of feeling that I had previously carried inside, had little to do with my outer circumstances, although it wasn't easy to see this at the time. Eventually the intensity diminished and I was feeling much happier. But I still had a cycle of negative thinking that could spiral me down into the depths of despair. I was gaining more awareness of this pattern since I had many occasions to watch it repeating itself over and over like a broken record or like watching the same old movie again and again.

Last year when Christmas was approaching, I thought I just couldn't go through another painful holiday like I had in the past three years. I didn't want to get involved in all my thoughts of how alone I was and therefore how unlovable I must be. I knew part of my pattern was to look to the outer world for the answers, for somebody out there to save me- to love me. I knew that somehow I needed to find this love and peace inside. Highly motivated, I decided to do a meditation retreat over the holidays.

I looked into retreats at various meditation centers and they were either full or just didn't feel right. Somehow the idea of doing a solitary retreat in my own home seemed to feel right and that is what I did. During the period before the retreat I noticed how happy I was in planning my schedule and making preparations. Recommended by my meditation teacher, I did the Avalokitesvara meditation practice. This entails visualization of the Bodhisattva, prayer, and recitation of the mantra Om Mani Padme Hurn. I recited 179,750 counted mantras in 21 days, alternating one hour sitting and one hour walking practice from morning until bedtime. To my surprise I went through many states of consciousness, gaining more clarity and calm without experiencing any of the painful emotion I had been used to.  

This recent retreat has been incredibly healing for me. I feel this to be a turning point in my life as I continue to be in a much more peaceful and happy state.  

When I reflect on this healing journey, I feel so much overwhelming gratitude that it hurts. I know that this will ease through continuing to develop more compassion and helping others as I have been helped along. I am in wonder of the Dharma and I know now that it is real.  

 

上人答問錄 Q & A with the Venerable Master
問:我們心裡面有憂愁,怎麼樣可以解自己的憂愁和別人的憂愁?
答:把憂愁的根找到它,就沒有憂愁了嘛!根給拋棄。根是什麼呢?根就是沒有滿足你的慾望你就憂愁,要滿足你的慾望你一定歡喜的,不要有慾望什麼問題都沒有了。
問:需要和慾望有什麼分別?
答:需要是指必須用的東西;慾望是可有可無的。  
Q:We carry a lot of worries and grief in our hearts. How can we relieve our own worries as well as other people's?
A: Once you discover their root,they disappearYou have to get rid of the root.What is the root? Worry and grief come from not having your desires satisfied. If you couldsatisfy your desires, you'd be happy. If you had no desires, you'd have no problems at all.
Q:What's the difference between a need and a want? A:A need is something you mtust have; a want is something you can have but you can also do without.

▲Top

法界佛教總會Dharma Realm Buddhist Association │ © Vajra Bodhi Sea