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菩提田 Bodhi Field

大悲院隨筆

Casual Notes from the Great Compassion House

千禧年受戒有感:半山腰的人
Thoughts upon Receiving the Precepts in the New Millennium:
Halfway Up the Mountain

新戒比丘近巖 文 Written by Newly Precepted Bhikshu Jin Yan
王隆琴 英譯 English Translation by Linda Wang

我是落伍者,足入聖城上人猶在世,示般涅槃方悔當初:「唉!我怎麼會這麼笨。」事隔四年,萬佛殿內出家大典,猶歷歷在目;時隔二秋而預入僧倫,進受大戒,幸甚至哉,文以詠志。

人往高處走,水往低處流;若以世間法,今已是而立之年,正當人生十字路口;回首有父母兩雙眼睛殷切盼子歸之心,他們總以為我嚐嚐出家滋味,三年兩載,或有悔退之心,或重戀紅塵之美:「孩子,鮮味嚐久了,也總有嚐膩的時候。」我雖有奉養之心,難改出世之志;黃河未到,吾心不死;棺材未出,吾志不休。我曾眷顧一種隱士之樂,邊教書邊修行,沒那麼多戒律,還可「貓」著看點小說,自得其樂(慚愧),還自號之曰不失「調素琴,閱金經」,雙美並收。然而歲月不饒人,安可虛待老?在聖城雖非混飯,卻不脫等死;父母髮漸白,自己額漸皺,到現在呢?連自己肚裡的眾生都度不了,還談報父母恩,那不是笑話嗎?

前望亦有師父一雙更為深切的望歸浪子之眼。多年法乳之恩,絲毫未曾報。以前不說,今生已夠拖累師父了,還再來一世、二世?說是師恩要報要報,卻總也不爭氣,做沙彌了,還那麼食色二性,須臾未曾暫離;吃苦也只能吃個三分,不能吃五分六分,遑談七分八分。師兄上午分配割草,尚無怨言;等到下午還叫時,那張臉馬上就擺出來了:「你不看看正午的大太陽嗎?」我躲在如來寺一塊陰涼地方休息休息,不多時,往窗外一瞥,看到師兄草帽都沒戴,就在太陽下清理馬路,我愣住了。

然而總算順利過來了,多虧一群好師兄弟;身前領著,身後看著,愛面子的我,總算沒走丟;也多虧聖城這塊清淨妙修行地,妄想一起,果報隨至,常讓我目瞪口呆:「噫!又惹龍天惱怒,興狂風浪來打我了。」多虧上人時時處處的所謂「佛以一音演說法」;話不多不少,既打你一下,又點到為止,算給你面子了。

還猶豫嗎?半山腰的人!回頭人一打,向上爬人六個;忘了嗎?五年前在聖城水塔邊松林下埋葬一頭狼時,垃圾袋一打開,那一股沖天惡臭幾乎沒把你薰昏在地。忘了嗎?三年前給一位師兄送最後一餐飯時的感受?以及那時經過病房時看些幾乎已是行尸走肉的末期病患者,你忘了當時那種觸電般的感覺嗎?所有這一切豈非都是菩薩藉題教化我?

上不著天,下不著地,還回頭看嗎?再看就摔死了。退則必死,進得天時。天地有幾個千年?人生有幾個百年?此生此刻,進受大戒,凝聚了道場多少人的心血,多少的成就善緣,這其中需要積累多少的福報?幾筆誌言,共勉同道。

I’m someone behind the times. When I stepped into the Sagely City, the Venerable Master was still in the world. Only when he entered Nirvana did I regret: “Why was I so stupid” Though it has been four years, every scene at the Ten Thousand Buddha Hall’s head shaving ceremony flashes before me. I write the following to commemorate my fortuitousness for entering Sangha order and receiving the complete great precepts after two years.

People strive upward while water flows downward. According to the worldly convention, I am at the age of 30, where I should already be established. I am standing at a crossroad.

From behind, my parents are looking at me, hoping that their son may return. They had always thought that I would sample the monastic life for two and three years and then perhaps regret and retreat, missing the enchantment of the world: “Son, after the novelty wears off, you’ll get tired of it.” Although I have the heart to take care of my parents, my resolve to transcend the world will never waver. “My heart will not die until I reach the Yellow River. My aspiration will not rest until I leave the coffin behind.” At one time, I fancied and clung to the joys of a recluse, cultivating while teaching, without so many precepts to tie me up. I could just curl up in a corner and read some novels and amuse myself (what a shame). I called the kind of lifestyle “playing” the simple lute and reading the Vajra Sutra,” taking advantage of both.

However, time waits for no one; How can I vainly wait until old age? Although I haven’t been as muddled as to just sit and wait for the next meal, I am still among the multitudes of mortals, living and dying. My parents’ hair is gradually graying while my forehead is beginning to wrinkle. Yet I can’t even save those greedy goblins in my stomach. Isn’t it a joke to talk about repaying my parents’ kindness?

Ahead, the Venerable Master is looking at me patiently as if waiting for the return of a prodigal son. After so many years of being nourished by his Dharma, I have not returned a bit of his grace. Not to mention my past, I have already worn him out in this life time. Am I going to make him wait for one, two, or three more lifetimes? Although we say we have to repay our teacher’s grace, still I never quite it. Even when I was a Shramanera (novice), food and from remained powerful temptations and pitfalls for me. I could only handle thirty percent of the suffering—I couldn’t even handle fifty or sixty percent, not to mention seventy or eighty percent of what others handle. For instance, I didn’t complain when a Dharma brother assigned me to cut grass. But when he told me to continue in the afternoon, the look on my face changed immediately: “Don’t you see the blazing sun at midday?” I hid and rested in a shady area inside the Tathagata Monastery. When I glanced out the windows and saw him sweeping the road in the scorching sun without even a straw hat, I was dumbfounded.

However, I actually made it. It was all due to my good Dharma brothers who led the way ahead of me and who watched me from behind. For someone who cares about not losing face, I actually didn’t get lost because of them. It was all due to this pure and wonderful cultivation ground at the Sagely City. Once a false thought occurs, retribution immediately ensues, constantly leaving me wide-eyed and speechless: "Gee, I angered the dragons and gods again; they’re raising up a storm to knock me down.” It was a good thing that we Venerable Master always did this: “The Buddha expounds Dharma with one sound.” Without too many or too few words, they simply tap you yet really hit your core being, leaving you some face still.

Can I still hesitate, caught halfway up the mountain? “ A dozen people turn back; half a dozen keep climbing.” Have you forgotten the stench that nearly knocked you over when you opened the garbage bag with the dead wolf as you were burying it in the pine forest next to the Sagely City’s water tank five years ago? Have you forgotten how you felt when you took a Dharma brother his last meal three years ago? Have you forgotten the feeling of electricity coursing through your body when you saw those terminally ill patients who were practically walking corpses? Aren’t all those lessons from the Bodhisattvas?

Such a dilemma—stuck halfway up the mountain, do I still look back? I’ll fall and die if I look any more. I will definitely die if I retreat. If I advance, I am quite in favor of my ultimate destiny. How many millennia are there in the universe? How many centries are there in a lifetime? In order to bring about the realization of this Great Ordination, how many people had to toil and sweat? How many supporting conditions had to aggregate and ripen? How much blessing did I have to cultivate in the past? May a few words of mine serve as encouragement for my fellow cultivators.

上人語錄 Venerable Master's Dharma Words
※我們為什麼和道不相應呢?就因狂心沒有休息。
◆Why don't we have any response in the way? It's because our wild minds do not rest.

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