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我出家不久，執著甜餅，執著了六個月，但有一段時間我竟執著上「就是它」（IT'S ITs）冰淇淋三明治。我生長在（俄亥俄州）特雷多市，從沒聽說過「就是它」：「就是它」是舊金山出的一種冰淇淋三明治。那裡的「海濱樂園店」過去常常賣這種冰淇淋。這種冰淇淋三明治製造得很粗糙，沒什麼特別，但卻是舊金山的一道「地方名菜」吧！記得在金山寺時，一次有人買了一整盒這種冰淇淋三明治，送到廟上來。那時我纔出家九個月，不時還會動甜餅的念頭，但眞讓我動了心的還是這種冰淇淋三明治。
這種三明治包裝得色彩鮮艷；廟裏的每一位出家人都分了一份。對我來說這東西眞來錯時間了，正趕上我嘴饞的時候。我嘴裡吃著，心裡嘀咕：「我長這麼大也沒吃過這麼好吃的。眞好吃！又冰又甜，又是巧克力味。哈！眞沒治！」
廟上一位沙彌的生日很快就到了。雖說他現在已經不在這裏了，但那時他確實是想要修行的。本來他不想提他的生日：如果要提的話，他也只會說：「算了，過什麼生日？我還在乎我幾歲嗎？我皈依三寶那一天便是我新的生日了。」我卻說：「噢！你的生日快到了。太好了，我們正該給你過一過呢！再好不過的事了！」「我看算了吧。」「算了？哪這麼好就算了？再說廟裏還眞需要一些活潑氣氛。我們或許可以來個派對。怎麼樣？」「好吧！你這主意或許不錯。」我把他給轉了。他說：「我出家只有一年，還剩一點錢……。你說我們怎麼過呢？」「哎！我們可以去買IT'S ITs嘛！如果翻一翻黃頁，準保能查到三藩市哪兒有得賣。」「IT'S ITs是什麼？」「我們那天中午吃的東西，你沒注意啊？」「沒注意，我吃了一點，不知道是啥。」我想說動他：「可好吃呢！你都忘啦？」「好吧！大概就是那東西吧？」我又把他的境界轉了。他並沒有注意吃的是什麼，只知道吃了東西；對我來說呢？是貪欲。
我們合計好後，他叫了一整盒IT'S ITs送到廟上來。為什麼呢？還不是因為我的貪嘛！午齋到了，上人還在樓上。午供完後大眾列隊進齋堂，「南無本師釋迦牟尼佛，說不定一人兩份呢！」。別人唸佛我唸冰淇淋。這是他生日，可我哪兒是在給他過生日呢？我在過冰淇淋呢！
「供養清淨法身毘盧遮那佛……（臨齋儀）。」鈴……電話響了。「嘿，恆實，上人叫你，有話跟你講呢。」「OK。」
「果眞，給我讀信。你上樓來。」我信步上樓。我的天！一大疊的信。我拆開頭一封，開始唸；第二封，又開始唸；第三封……。「我聽不懂那一封，你再唸一遍。」已經11：15分了，我開始冒汗。「那一封信你有什麼看法啊？」「可以……。」我支支吾吾，心不在焉。鈴……電話響了！上人談電話。我鬆了口氣，該讓我走了吧？但上人仍不叫我走。
「薩多南，三藐三菩陀……」樓下傳來結齋咒，午齋結束了！我心裏盤算樓下出家人的人數，盤算我們叫了多少客IT'S ITs冰淇淋三明治。上人終於放我走了。我下樓一看，冰淇淋盒子空空如也，都叫他們吃光了！
我在心裡罵自己：「你這個壞東西！你眞貪！你有機會幫師父唸信，可你心裡想的盡是冰淇淋。」我開始拿自己開刀。「瞧你這副德性，眞差勁！你把這小伙子給耍了。你這哪是給人過生日？」這齣戲前前後後我看得一清二楚。我做的那些事一樁樁浮上眼前。我眞開始替自己難過了。我心裡說：「你今天就不該吃飯。絕食它一天！對！就這麼辦。今天就不該吃。」我沮喪至極，開始在心裡捶自己。
我坐在廚房凳上，心想：「我就坐這兒了。沒人知道我在這兒受罪呢！」上人下樓了，朝我這兒走來我聽都沒聽見。他撩開袖子，手上正是一盒IT'S ITs冰淇淋；放在我缽裡，說：「你吃。」笑著轉身走了。我心想：「這……眞是的！」
所以，眾生需要怎麼度就得怎麼度，有時需要眞正的耐心；還有一條，你還不能自己捶自己。
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Not long after leaving home, I had a craving for cookies for six months, but at a certain point it turned into "IT'S ITs." I grew up in Toledo; I never knew about IT'S ITs. IT'S ITs are ice cream sandwiches from San Francisco. "Playland by the Beach" used to serve them. It's just a funky ice cream sandwich—nothing very special—but it's the San Francisco treat. At one point, somebody bought a whole box of them and brought them into Gold Mountain Monastery. At that point I had left home for about nine months, struggling with my cookie desire; yet there were these ice cream sandwiches.
These ice cream sandwiches had wrappers; they were colorful. Each monk or nun had one. The timing was just wrong—I took mine and it just hit that desire spot! I thought, "This is the best-tasting thing I've ever put in my mouth! It's so good! It's cold and chocolaty at the same time. Oh, sweet too!"
A Shramanera had a birthday coming up. He's not around anymore, but he was trying to cultivate. He was not going to mention that it was his birthday. He was going to say, "OK, let it be. I don't care how old I am. My new birthday was when I took refuge." So I said, "Oh, your birthday is coming up. Well, that's great. Let's celebrate! That's terrific!"
"Well, I don't think so."
"Yeah! C'mon! After all, in the monastery we need some cheerfulness. We could probably have a really good party."
"All right, that's probably a good idea," he said. I turned him.
So he said, "I've got a little bit of money left over. I was only a layman a year ago... What do you think we should get?"
"Well, we could get some IT'S ITs. I bet if you turn to the Yellow Pages, you could find the place where they come from here in San Francisco."
"What's an IT'S IT?"
"Well, we ate them for lunch the other day, you didn't notice?"
"No, I ate something. I don't know."
I tried to tempt him, "Oh, it was really good. You don't remember?"
"Well, I guess it was." I turned him again. He didn't care; it was just food for him. For me, however, it was desire. We worked it out and he called delivery and got a whole box of IT'S ITs delivered to the monastery. Why? Because of my greed. Lunchtime arrived, we did the ceremony while the Venerable Master was upstairs.
We were going in chanting, "Namo Fundamental Teacher Shakyamuni Buddha..." All I could think about was IT'S ITs: "Maybe there's enough to have two." It was his birthday, but I didn't care about his birthday. I wanted an ice cream sandwich. "Brrrring!" Telephone.
The other monks and nuns were singing, "To the Pure Dharma Body Vairochana Buddha..." "Hey, Heng Sure, the Venerable Master wants to talk to you." "OK."
"Guo Zhen, read me the mail, come upstairs." I went upstairs and "Oh, no!" There was a whole stack of mail. I would open one letter, start reading one, open another letter and read the second letter, the third letter, and, "Guo Zhen, read that letter again, I didn't understand it." Now it was about 11:15 a.m. I was starting to sweat. So Shr Fu said, "What do you think of that letter?" I could only mutter, "It's OK." Brrrring... the telephone rang. The Venerable Master went to answer the phone and I was relieved. Maybe he would let me leave. But no such luck.
By this time I heard below, "Sa-duo-nan San-miao-san-pu-tuo..." [mantra to end the meal] The meal was over. I was counting how many monks there were and how many IT'S ITs we'd ordered in my mind. When Shr Fu finally sent me down there, I saw only an empty box. The ice cream sandwiches had all been eaten.
I thought to myself, "You're rotten! You're really greedy! Here you had a chance to read the Venerable Master's mail, and all you were thinking about was ice cream." I started to get on my case, "Look at you, this is terrible! You manipulated this fellow. You didn't want to celebrate his birthday." I saw the whole play; everything I had done went through my mind and I felt really bad. I thought, "The best thing for you today is not to eat anything at all—fast. You should not eat anything. Yeah, that's right! You ought to do that." I was really unhappy and started to beat myself up in my mind.
So I was sitting there on my stool in the kitchen and thinking, "I'm just going to sit here. Nobody knows I'm suffering." Shr Fu came down and walked over. I didn't even hear him. He pulled up his sleeve and there was an IT'S IT in his hand. He put it in my bowl, said, "Eat," then smiled and walked away. I thought,
"Oh my goodness."
Okay, whatever it takes to cross over living beings. Sometimes it takes real patience. Also, you can't beat yourself up.
The End
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