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行道：行解並進的宗教經驗
美國加州柏克萊世界宗教研究所秋季專題演講
比丘尼恆賢：
那次上人主講，結果許多人寧可損失學分也要從州立華盛頓大學轉到（舊金山）灣區來讀書。這些人給人印象很深刻。我去的時候，已有三位比丘、兩位比丘尼了。在那之前我從未聽說過有比丘尼，可到廟上之後我下決心以比丘尼為榜樣行持，卻花了好一段時間。
為什麼呢？我在梵文系，而學梵文的人都是出於宗教的原因。他們想加深其知識來研究自己的傳統。學梵文的人，主要是學屬於印度或吠陀的傳統。系裡有的人是印度教道場的成員。我知道他們的生活方式：全時就讀的研究生早晨四、五點鐘起床，去很遠的廟裡，念誦很長時間。這很不容易的，要對修行有很大的願力才行。我問自己：「全時就讀的研究生怎麼可能做到呢？」對我而言，關鍵之一就是《心經》——深刻的《般若波羅密多心經》。我正猶豫要不要去我在那份雜誌上讀到的廟子時，我去了西雅圖（柏克萊在那兒舉行活動），在那兒見到一些將讀書和修行結合起來的研究生，我以他們為榜樣。
一天有人帶我去聽上人說法。一位研究生遞給我一本油印的上人講解的《心經》。他還將附有英文翻譯的，已故的Conze教授的梵文《心經》給我看。好像一幅拼圖，非常令人著迷。其中談到五蘊，我就開始研究五蘊。六十年代末資料很少；現在，你可以從《楞嚴經》中看到深刻的闡述。五蘊是色、受、想、行、識，只有巴利文翻譯社出版了一些有關資料。這些書雖然不能答覆我全部的問題，可是書裡講的都讓人覺得很興奮。那年夏天，我對《心經》的興趣與日俱增。
我的方法是記憶誦持梵文《心經》與咒。我發現去（華盛頓州）藍尼爾山誦持《心經》的效果不可思議。我也可以得到知識上的滿足，用不著再去找額外的東西了。我跟其他的事情也不覺得會有關係了。最後我去到廟裡，即刻我就覺得我屬於這廟裡。這裡的人就是我要找的。這是一個既有學術性質又有心靈內涵的團體。下面講講我第一次見上人的情形。許多人都記得自己第一次見上人的情形。當我第一次到廟上，大家先打坐。一位博學的女居士正在用廣東話說法，另一個人給她翻譯。題目是〈唯識論〉。以前我稍有涉獵。其中有個蛇的比喻，用來說明一切唯心造。這個比喻解釋了三種不同的性：一種是想像；一種是依某些事所做的思量；一種是實相。其內容是一個人走夜路，看到前面的一條繩子，心裡一驚以為是蛇，開始擔心。可走近後發現是一段繩子，就鬆了一口氣，整個感受也都變了。第一種是純想像性的；第二種有一些理解的內容；第三種是實相：根本上是一無所有，一切唯心造。
這是我第一次進廟的情形。當時課程正進行著，上人輕輕地走進來了；衣著毫不醒目，行動沒有一點特殊之處。他靜靜地坐下聽講，離開時也同樣地安靜。在許多年，聽了許多次之後，我意識到上人這樣的做法告訴我了一件事。是什麼呢？是關於「傲慢」、「出風頭」、「自我中心」與「欲讓人知」的這種做為。身為研究生，我先皈依，然後又出家作了沙彌尼，又獲准繼續上學；受戒之後，身著比丘尼裝，我又留在柏克萊加大教書。過去我曾以自己為注意力的焦點，認為「那才是我應享有的地位」。現在我努力避免中心位置。上人曾對我談過「自我中心」、「追求第一」的事。現在上人不在了，談到他，我們未免有點激動。如果在我的話語中流露出來的話，請原諒。雖然三年喪期在幾個月之前已經過了，我還是希望上人仍在世間。
這些開示很妙，因為那時我們正逐漸將集體及個人的我見減少。上人還給了我們美好的使命——我們是「西方佛教的開路先鋒」。上人告誡我們要好好幹，努力學習，努力修行。世界在期待著我們；國家需要我們做好準備，把眞正的佛教帶進美國。
現在再回到講我第一次到廟上的情形。為什麼說上人是在告訴我一件事呢？因為上人坐在那兒，無意讓人注意他。我們曾在廟上和學校看過一部〈至聖先師孔子〉的電影，其中反復表現了「人不知而不慍，不亦君子乎？」的主題。上人以身作則地為我們註解了〈論語〉上的這句話。如果你是位著名的教授，到某個地方之後沒人注意你，沒人請你講話，也不替你做長篇的介紹，乾脆對你視若無睹。這一切若是都不引起你任何不適之感，那你就是位君子人了。當研究生，你是人群的菁英；經過多次考試，成高材生，入一流大學。你也執著於此；你在諸多方面具備這一切所需的條件，只是你無法避免因此而感到驕慢。到了某個地方，如果沒人認可你。這樣可以嗎？我們端架子嗎？受招待時，有沒有被當作教授、有成就的學者、有前途的研究生、新興的作者、有前途的畫家來接待？我們希望被認可，被欣賞。在學術的追求中，總會有認可的期盼與傲慢優勝的自我感受。在追求心靈之道時，這一切都得降服，因為這些都在強化「我見」：在追求心靈之道時，我們要清除所謂的「我相」。我們還要在「人相」上努力——要能覺察他人的狀況。一次開示時有人談到獲勝；可在勝利當中，我們意識到別人都是輸家。
有天份的，往往願意表現出來被人欣賞，可如果別人處境惡劣時會怎麼樣呢？他們的自尊心會怎麼樣呢？你成功時，他們對自己的自我能力感受會怎麼樣呢？這是我必須弄清的問題。在到這兒來的路上我聽上人開示的錄音帶，其內容是我剛進廟時常聽到的一首偈頌，大意是「聰明乃是陰騭助，陰德長養聰明智；只使聰明不修德，聰明反被聰明誤。」
待續
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Walking the Way: Praxis and Gnosis in Religious Experience
Institute for World Religions Fall Faculty Lectures Berkeley, California
Bhikshuni Heng Hsien:
Our Master led the session, and, as a result, many people transferred down from the University of Washington to study in the Bay Area, even though they lost credits in the process. They were an impressive group. By the time I came, there were three monks and two nuns. I had never heard that there were any nuns at all. However, it took a while for me to get over to the temple and find out that there were nuns who would be role models for what I would want to do.
So why did it take me a long time to get over there? I was in the Sanskrit department. Many of the people study Sanskrit for religious reasons, because they want to deepen their knowledge and study their own tradition. The main tradition for which people study Sanskrit is the Hindu, or Vedic, tradition. There were people in the department who were members of ashrams. I knew the kind of life they lived. It was very hard to be a full-time graduate student and get up at 4 or 5 in the morning, do a lot of reciting, and go to the temple, which is far away. There's a lot of commitment in religious practice. "How could that possibly be compatible with being a full-time graduate student?" I asked myself. For me, one of the keys was the
Heart Sutra, which is considered a profound sutra, the
Heart of Prajna Sutra. In my case, during the period of delay and hesitation about even visiting the temple I had read about in the journal, I went to Seattle (Berkeley was holding some event up there) and met some people up there who were combining a religious practice with their graduate studies. They were role models.
One day I was introduced to our Master's lectures. One of the graduate students handed me a mimeographed manuscript of the
Heart Sutra lectures by our Master, and also introduced me to the Sanskrit of the
Heart Sutra—the late professor Conze's edition, with the English translation. It was like a puzzle, very fascinating. It talked about the five
skandhas, and I set out to research the nature of the five
skandhas. In the late 60's there was not much available. Today you can read about the five
skandhas in the Shurangama Sutra in great depth. They are: form, feeling, thinking, formation and consciousness. The only resource available was the translation by the Pali Text Translation Society. It didn't answer all of my questions, but everything I read there was fascinating. My wish to learn more and more about the
Heart Sutra grew that summer.
My approach was to memorize and recite the
Heart Sutra in Sanskrit along with the mantra. I found it incredibly meaningful to go to Mount Rainier and recite the
Heart Sutra. But it also had the intellectual content I needed. I would not have related to anything else. I, eventually went to the temple and immediately felt that I belonged, that these were the people I had been looking for. It was my intellectual and spiritual community. There's a story about the first time I encountered our Master. Most people have a story about meeting our Master, and you might remember the first time you encountered him. In my case, it was my first time in the temple. First we sat in meditation, then we attended a class that was taught by a very learned lay lady in Cantonese and translated by another person. This lady taught a "Consciousness Only Treatise" (the
Palm Treatise), which I had studied slightly previously. It has the snake analogy, which teaches how everything is made from the mind alone. The snake analogy explains the three different natures: one is what you imagine, one is what you figure—which is based on something else—and one is the way things actually are. The analogy is of a person walking on a dim night and seeing a rope on the road ahead of him. His mind jumps to the conclusion that the rope is a snake and he starts worrying about what's going to happen. However, he goes a little closer and sees that it's not a snake, but a piece of rope. He feels relief that there is no danger and his whole perception changes. The first is the purely imaginary nature. The next is having a bit more understanding. The last is the way things actually are. Basically there is nothing— everything is made from the mind alone.
So this was my first experience in the temple. As the class progressed, our teacher came into the room very quietly, without fancy clothes or the fine marks of being someone special, and sat quietly listening to the lecture. He left just as quietly. Years and many lessons later, I realize that there was a message for me in the way the Venerable Master presented himself. What was that message? The message was about arrogance, showing off, ego and wanting people to know who I am. As a graduate student, I first took refuge at the temple, then became a novice. I was instructed to keep going to school. Then I became ordained and taught at Berkeley while I was wearing nun's clothes. So in the past I might have just placed myself at the center of attention, thinking, "That's where I'm supposed to be." Today I try to avoid that place. I had instruction with my teacher about the ego and wanting to be first. Since our teacher has left, now when we talk about our teacher we become a little emotional, so if that nostalgia creeps into my voice, please excuse me. Although we completed the three years of mourning a few months ago, I would still rather have our teacher be in the world.
These were wonderful teachings, because while we were having our collective and individual egos pared down, we were also being given wonderful missions. We were the pioneers who would establish Buddhism in the West. We were told that we should do a good job, study and cultivate hard. The world was waiting for us. This country needed us to get ourselves ready and to start bringing real Buddhism to the United States.
Going back to my first visit to the temple, why do I say that that was a message for me? Because the Venerable Master sat there and did not demand to be known. There's a film on the life of the Venerable Teacher Confucius in which this theme appears over and over. In English it is translated as, "To not be upset when people do not know who you are, is to be a superior person." In explaining the
Confucian Analects, our teacher gave us an example. If you are a famous professor and you go someplace and nobody pays any attention to you -- they don't ask you to talk, they don't give you a big introduction, they just ignore you -- and that doesn't bother you at all, then you are being a superior person. As graduate students, you are in an elite situation. You went through a lot of testing and came out on top to get into the top schools. You've also stuck with it. You have what it takes in a lot of ways, but can you manage to not get arrogant about it? If you go somewhere and nobody recognizes you, is that okay? Do we put on airs? Do we want to be treated as the professor or the accomplished scholar or the promising graduate student, or the budding author or the promising painter? We want to be recognized and appreciated. The wish for recognition and the feeling of pride and the feeling of superiority goes along with the intellectual path. All those things need to be pared down on the spiritual path because those are ego reinforcements, and on the spiritual path, we need to clear out what are called the marks of self. We also have to work on the mark of others -- that is, to be aware of what's going on with other people. In one of the teachings someone talked about winning, but in the middle of their victory they recognized that everyone else had lost.
When we have a talent we often want to show it off and be appreciated.
But what about the people who are having a rough time? What
about their sense of self-esteem? What about their feeling
of usefulness, purposefulness, in the face of your success?
These were the issues that I had to see. On the way over
here I was listening to a teaching by our Master on tape. It
was a teaching he gave frequently when I was a new person at
the temple. The teaching was a verse, translated roughly as,
"Intelligence is the result of hidden virtue, and it's
hidden virtue that nourishes intelligence. But if you only
use intelligence and you do not practice hidden virtue, then intelligence turns against you and ends up defeating itself."
To be continued
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