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《菩提鏡》

 

BODHI MIRROR

我的出家因緣
THE CAUSE AND CONDITIONS OF MY LEAVING THE HOME LIFE

【恒讓師】

Bhikshuni Heng Rang

  

我是從何而來?怎麼會有「我」存在?「我 」這個人該如何過日子?人的一生,難道僅僅 為了「傳宗接代」進個傳統嗎?

一九八八年,踏入密宗黃教未久,一位師兄 問及,既不結婚,何不出家?此時心中猛然一 驚,對啊!為何不出家?不是駭怕一般的世俗 生活嗎?不是急著找尋心靈解脫之鑰?內心開 始有出家的念頭。

佛菩薩的感應,機緣成熟,一九八八年十一 月六日,與家人一同皈依上人,聆聽上人開示 後,離開密宗。從來就不懂四聖諦「苦、集、 滅、道」,也未曾聽說過;但年高八十五歲的 祖母,卻正示現說法,教我早日跳出塵俗。看 著禮佛、茹素二、三十載的祖母,受病魔的百 般折磨,出家的心念也一天比一天增強。

一九八九年臺灣苗栗清泉寺住持,九十三歲 的上妙下願老尼師,牽著我的手,慈悲勸我快 點脫去俗服換上袈裟,一起度眾生,將來到西 方極樂世界。

出家是「願」,只是時間與地點的問題罷了 !而最重要的,誰是我該追隨的師父?內心企 盼著佛菩薩幫忙。

一九八九年上人率團到臺灣訪問,見師兄們 落髮,心中一陣落寞。當時師父對在旁觀禮的 人,說了一首偈,意思說:「我們站在江邊, 盡往江裡望……,是無有是處的。」師父離開 後,對著師父相片,內心祈求,何時成為弟子 ?問觀世音菩薩,何時是我出家的時刻?

機緣終於成熟了,兩天後,一位師兄告知次 日舉行第二批剃度,考慮兩分鐘,也收拾行裝 ,到辦公室「毛遂自薦」,蒙師父慈悲應允, 終於得以披度。

Where did I come from? Why do "I" exist? How should "I" live my life? Do people live their whole lives just for the tradition of "having a son to carry on the family name"?

In 1988, not long after I joined the Yellow Sect of the Secret School, a Dharma-brother asked me: if I wasn't getting married, why didn't I leave the home-life? I was startled. Yes! Why don't I leave the home-life? Am I not always afraid of living the ordinary worldly life and anxiously searching for the key to liberating the mind? The idea of leaving the home-life thus planted itself in my mind.

As a response from the Buddhas and Bodhisattavas, the affinity ripened. On November 6, 1988, my family and I took refuge with the Venerable Master. After I listened to the Master's talk, I left the Secret School. Although I had never heard of nor understood the Four Noble Truths—suffering, accumulation, extinction, and the Way—my aging grandmother of eighty-five was speaking this dharma to me, telling me to quickly leave this mundane world. Seeing my grandmother, who had bowed to the Buddha and been a pure vegetarian for two or three decades, being tortured by the demon of sickness, my wish to leave the home-life grew stronger with each passing day.

In 1989 the ninety-three-year-old Abbess of Qing Quan (Clear Springs) Monastery in Miao Li, Taiwan, the Venerable Nun Miao Yuan, took my hand and very compassionately exhorted me to quickly exchange my worldly clothes for a robe and sash so that we could together save living beings and eventually be reborn in the Western Land of Ultimate Bliss.

I was determined to leave the home-life; it was only the matter of place and time. And most importantly, who should be my teacher? I prayed for the aid of the Buddhas and Bodhisattvas.

The Master led a delegation to Taiwan in 1989. Upon seeing my Dharma-brothers shave off their hair, I felt very lonely. The Master spoke a verse to the people watching the ceremony that went some thing like this, "You stand by the river, just watching what's going on in the river... that is useless." After the Master left, I looked at the Master's photo and prayed silently, "When will I become your disciple?" And I asked Guanshiyin Bodhisattva, "When will the time come for me to leave the home-life?"

Finally, the conditions ripened. Two days later, a Dharma-brother told me that there was going to be a second leaving-home ceremony the following day. After pondering for two minutes, I started packing and went to the office to recommend myself for leaving the home-life. Fortunately, the Master compassionately granted my request. I finally shaved my head!

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