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《菩提鏡》

 

Bodhi Mirror

我的出家因緣
Why I Left the Home-life

恆 瓏 Heng Lung

自幼尚未踏出半步,就跟上潮流——罹患小兒麻痺症。苟延殘喘到了十歲時,為了矯治左腿而躺在手術臺,昏迷中的神識,在黑冷的隧道深處不停地漂轉著,我很害怕自己已經死了。

大二的某一冬夜,被一輛貨車撞到;聽同學說,當時我整個身體就往半空中一拋,然後趴在地上,他們以為我死了。住院觀察五天,奇怪的是,一點點的傷也沒有。想到從小就對生死掙紮過,而今卻僥倖地活著,深深感覺到冥冥之中,有一種不可思議的力量在主宰,因此心中生出對宗教的需求,希望能找到「生命的意義是甚麼?」於是開始尋找善知識,也利用上班之餘當義工。 有一天,忽然體會到自己一直在外面上班,倒不如在佛教道場裡工作,培德修慧,因此就到法爾出版社上班,從事佛書的編輯,也冀望有一天能現出家相,去幫助有身體障礙的眾生。可是,從誰出家呢?

一九八九年個人想進一步往前走,於是進入正法佛學院。一九九零年,弟子向師父上人請求出家,也提到自己的威儀不好是否會影響僧團,上人很慈悲地答應,並且開示弟子——內在的威儀比外在的威儀重要。所以就在一九九零年九月七日披剃,自己也發願——把師父上人所講的經書與開示一一出版於世,讓法界的眾生得到佛法的滋潤。一九九二年六月受三壇大戒。

從有意識以來,就深深地領受到親友與師長的鼓勵,幫助我邁上光明的大道。愚癡的我,無德無能,更無以回饋,只能先從日常生活當中,將累劫來的習氣一點一滴洗刷清除。


Before I had even taken my first step, I contracted the epidemic of infantile paralysis. Lingering on the brink of death until I was ten years old, I found myself on the operating table, still hoping that somehow my left leg could be cured. Unconscious under the anesthetic, my spirit drifted inside a deep, dark, cold tunnel; and I was scared that I had died.

One winter night in my sophomore days, I was hit by a medium-sized truck. My school friends saw my body bumped up into the air and then landing on the ground, and thought I was dead. Astonishingly, I was not the least bit injured! I had a strong feeling that, imperceptibly, there is an inconceivable power in charge in the world, and that made the need for a religion arise. One day I realized it would be better to work for a Buddhist Way-place so that I could be nourishing virtue and cultivating wisdom, instead of working for other places. Therefore, I went to work for Thus Dharma Publishing Co., editing Buddhist books. I also hoped to one day take on the appearance of a left-home person and go forth to help handicapped living beings. But with whom should I leave home?

In 1989, I took one step further and enrolled in Proper Dharma Buddhist Academy. In 1990, this disciple requested the Venerable Master to allow her to leave the home-life, at the same time mentioning that since my deportment is not good, I wondered if that would affect the Sangha community. The Venerable Master, with gentle compassion, gave his approval and told me that inner deportment is more important than outer. And so my head was shaved on September 7, 1990. At that same time I vowed to help publish all the commentaries on the Sutras and the instructional talks of the Venerable Master one by one, so that all living beings in the Dharma Realm will be nourished by the Buddhadharma. In June 1992, I received the Three Platforms of Precepts.

Ever since I can remember, I have received profound encouragement from relatives, friends and from teachers and elders, who inspire me to walk a bright path. A stupid person like me, with no virtue and no capability, and even less any way of repaying their kindness, can only, bit by bit, in daily life, clean away the bad habits accumulated over countless kalpas.

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